Alone

Alone

Completely

Worthlessly

Utterly

Alone

Silence

Blank

Empty

Lost

Forgotten

Left out

Different

Awkward 

The out of place 

Bump on a log

That no one wants to talk to

Away

Far away

Running

And running

From people

Who say 

They love me

Tainted by memories

We had

No 

Control over

Safe

Away from pain

That had to be

Away from

Death

Heartbreak

Love

And a family

I never really fit into

Happy

A feeling

I forgot existed

Love

A feeling

I'm sure

Is a fantasy 

New

Change

Refresh

Good different 

But

Alone

raindrops on sunflowers

deep breath
long breath
realizing
i changed
in with the new friends
and out with the old
family parties?
no longer a favorite
make my parents proud?
ha!
cry is more like it
never want to come home
because,
memories,
are sharper than knives
and sting
more than a burn in lemon juice

dad
starts to talk
mom
suddenly shuts up
my life here is a mess
it causes me more stress
than all the textbooks
and roommates
and change
 and drama
that come with 
college
as rain falls
on this mistake
of my life

i look for the sunflowers
that thrive
instead of drown
because raindrops
on sunflowers
is a beautiful sight
as they roll off
the bright petals
and fall
to help it grow

i look at my new life
full of friends
fun
and maybe
a little love
full of people
who make me 
happy
and help me
dull my sharp memories
and teach me to smile

but still 
i wonder
is there a way
to mix the forget me nots
of my past
with the sunflowers
of my here and now
become one person
not someone then
and a different person here?
to make two fields
one?

New Life

Cap on, tassel left,

o r   w a s   i t   r i g h t ?

BRIGHT lights

surrounded by people

people I claim to know

but do I really?

people I grew up with

but do they know?

rushed in a line

                               through 

                                                       a whirl 

                                               wind of 

                                                     papers

    that SUM up the last FOUR years of life

supposedly

I smile 

SCREAM

CLAP

hug

                            and shout

excited its over

but UNSURE of whats up ahead

my HANDS shake 

head pounds

as I walk through my door

a graduate

REALLY? me?

I party all night, 

first one without a curfew

my f e e t ache to move

dance

to the rhythm of 

my NEW life

my mind e  x  p  a  n  d  s

reeling with ideas

of a chance to start over

with no past to hold me back

to become solid

real

a fact

instead of a shadow

a myth

to finally glue myself

back together

almost

to become the people 

I've always admired

to take MY chance

and change the world

starting with ME.

Out, Above, and to the Left

The beat of my heart

Matches the rythmn of my feet

1-2-3

1-2-3

Pacing me

Mistakening me

For something

I'm not

The colors bleed away

Replaced by nothing but gray

Trying to make us all the same

Everyone's foot steps

Match mine

Pounding the beat

Into my head

My heart

Stay with the beat

Someone said

Stay with the beat

Or you might as well be dead

So I walk onward 

1-2-3

With my legs aching

Shaking

My heart breaking

With the incessant pounding

Hounding

The reverberations sounding

Hollow

One direction

All the time

Just one step out of line

And I'd be trampled

Becoming the dust 

On people's feet

But I wanted to take a seat

Do something different, new

But how?

I hadn't a clue

Then there was a shout

I looked out

Above

And to the left
And what I saw
Shattered all reason
Someone walking
Running
No dancing 
In the other direction
Changing the rythmn
Painting colors
And smiles
Creating a tune 
A song
To match the beat
I felt my body
Turn
Twist
And leap
Before I could think
When I saw others 
Emotionless 
Eyes
I grimaced
Waiting for the boots 
But they never came
People bent 
Curved
And flowed around me
They changed 
If just for a moment
The smiled
If just for a second 
So I continued 
Spinning
Twirling
Shouting
And
Smiling 

RINGING

Life… is a funny sorta thing

It causes a ringing,

A ringing,

A ringing,

I can't get out of my head

Of classes

Then lunch

More classes

Then home

Of classes 

Then lunch

More classes

Then home

WEEKEND!

Of classes

Then lunch

More classes

Then home

Over 

And over

And over…

Life going on 

And on

In a circle

With no brakes

Or time to call my own

Then we get a call on a phone

Destiny

He says its time to move on

Time to say goodbye

To graduate

To make it to the real world

Because apparently the life I was living

Wasn't real enough

That this pain

And the ringing

Wasn't big girl enough

Trust me

The pain I felt

When he died

She died

He left

She move

They changed

Was all very real

The love I felt for him

The joy I felt hanging with her

The happiness I felt on my first date

Curiosity I experienced when I first saw him

Was REAL

not a figment of my imagination

Or hormones mixing with my emotions 

This  ringing

This rhythm 

That drives me crazy

Keeps me sane

Keeps reminding me

Reminding me

Reminding me

How real my life

Really is

You do you

I wanna be new, fresh, different. 

Someone that makes a difference, makes people want to change. 

I want to change.

Be someone who can change  

I want to be, need to be a different person. 

A person that listens to her heart more and her head less. 

I need to love now and teach later. 

Be a girl he could love, because I love him. 

I want to learn to dance in the rain  and to get up when I slip. 

Be someone who makes new friends and keeps the old ones 

I want to be free

Learn what "you do you" really means, cause I don't think anyone does 

I will learn to behave myself

Maybe

I should improve my language

I want to become someone to make my parents proud

Hopefully become the me

I was meant to be. 

You do you.